Twilite
by JadeHeartOfFire
Summary: No, the title is not a typo. When a group of girls go to see the stage adaption of Twilight, the play they see isn't what they expected...
1. So Gay

AN: While I write this, I'm quite sick, so forgive me if this makes very little sense. Enjoy it anyway! By the way, Alexis and Katie won't really be important characters; Muffin-chan (as she insists on calling herself) will play a slightly bigger part, but this is going to be focused mainly the cast of Twilight.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Not that I would want to.

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A countless number of girls filed into a large theater, overly excited at what was promised to be shown. Twilight, as a play. Two girls, holding hands so as not to lose each other, finally managed to get seats in the third row, though they had a hard time seeing through the two rows of girls in front of them, who were moshing like they were at a concert. The taller of the two girls turned to her best friend, a huge grin on her slightly-tan features.

"Isn't this so exciting, Katie?" she asked, bouncing in her seat. She adjusted her shirt, which said "I Kissed a Vampire and I Liked It!" in shiny writing, for it had gotten caught in her "Team Edward" wristband "This is going to be great!"

"I don't know, Alexis. Something about this seems suspicious." Katie pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, a nervous look on her face.

"Oh, lighten up!" Alexis laughed "What could possibly go wrong?"

Katie rolled her eyes. _'Apparently she doesn't watch very many horror movies. "What could possibly go wrong?" That's just asking for trouble.' _she thought, shaking her head.

The room darkened for a brief moment, then the lights from the stage gave the room a haunting glow. Alexis, along with the rest of the audience, save for Katie, cheered. A small girl in her mid-teens walked onto the stage, her dark curls bouncing as she entered. She turned to the audience with a smirk on her face. Katie stared at the girl. The most fascinating thing about the girl was her shirt. It was a tight black tee-shirt with the word "Twilite" written on it in blood red lettering that looked like it was…melting. Katie shivered.

"Hello and welcome to the stage performance of Twilight!" the girl said, her voice booming over the speakers on the walls "As you may have guessed, this will not be your _normal _night of theater." she took a few steps forward, standing on the edge of the stage "While my name isn't particularly important, you may feel free to call me Muffin-chan. And now…are you ready for the performance to start?"

The crowd cheered, hitting their hands on the arms of the theater chairs. Muffin-chan smiled, a twisted sort of smile that reminded Katie of the smile that a cat would give a mouse right before eating it.

"Then…let us begin." she said.

Suddenly, cuffs shot up from the arms of the chairs, trapping the crowd. Alexis shrieked in surprise, while Katie wriggled in an attempt to free herself. Hopeless. Panicking, she looked towards the stage, hoping to find some sort of answer. Muffin-chan was still standing on stage, an amused look etched on her pale features. After a moment, she frowned.

"Shut up!" she boomed.

The crowd quickly silenced.

"Now…we are going to begin." she said, smirking "Edward, Bella, time for your first scene!"

Two teens, looking exactly like Edward and Bella, were pushed onto the stage. The girl was clinging to the boy, a terrified look on her face.

"What's going on?" the boy yelled, growling at Muffin-chan.

"My crew and I were bored." she said, shrugging.

The boy's eyes flashed as he took a few steps toward her, a threatening look on his face. Muffin-chan shook her finger at him, as if she was scolding a small child.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Eddykins." she said "Don't you see the shock collars on Bella's and your neck?"

Edward looked down at his neck, putting hand on the collar. _'Why didn't I notice this before?'_ he thought. Bella, upon hearing Muffin-chan's warning, starting scratching at the collar, a panicked look on her face. Edward glared at Muffin-chan.

"What do you want from us?" he growled.

"I want to fix the Twilight series…" she smirked "…and you're going to help."

---

Edward pulled Bella along the trail, Bella struggling to keep up with Edward's quick strides.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked, breathing heavily.

"Up the mountain, out of the cloud bank. You need to see what I look like in the sunlight." Edward said, then grabbed Bella's arm and pulled her onto his back

They quickly made their way up the mountain, passing by trees, spooked animals, and finally, the fog. As they reached the top, there was a small clearing where sun poked through the trees, brighter than Bella had seen in a while. Edward let Bella off his back, then took a few steps into the clearing, his back to Bella.

"This is why we don't show ourselves in sunlight." he said "People would know we're different."

He opened his jacket, then undid a few buttons on his shirt. Taking a deep breath, he turned to Bella, waiting to see her reaction. She stared at his skin, which sparkled likes diamonds in the sun. She blinked. A smile wormed its way onto her face, looking…amused. Edward took a step towards her, confused by her expression. Bella covered her mouth with her hand, then suddenly couldn't hold it back anymore. She started cracking up, first quietly, then erupting into peels of laughter. She doubled over, clutching her sides.

"…so…gay…" she wheezed, still giggling.

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AN: And that's chapter one. Hope you enjoyed it so far! Care to suggest some other scenes to poke fun at?


	2. I Guess I'll Go Be Emo

AN: This next scene actually occurred to me while I was half asleep at three o'clock this morning. While I have already received a suggestion for the next scene, I just _had_ to do this one first. And yes, this is not in the order of the books. Hope you guys like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Thank God.

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Muffin-chan was currently sitting back stage, a bored look on her face. She shifted in her seat, growing impatient while Bella and Edward learned their lines; she had never liked waiting.

"Hey Neko-chan, are the fairy and the whiner almost ready for the next scene?" she called, craning her neck to see her friend.

A girl with dyed red hair peeked out from behind a curtain. "Yep. They'll be out in a minute." She bit her lip, glancing behind her. "The crowd's getting pretty rowdy. Should I do anything?"

"Nope. We're starting now." Muffin-chan stood up. As she stretched, a white flower with red splotches fell out of her hair, landing in the glass of orange juice she had been drinking. Muffin-chan frowned, plucking the flower out of her drink. "Damn. Now the flower and my drink are ruined…" she sighed, shaking her head.

"This next scene is from New Moon isn't it?" Neko-chan asked, noticing the flower.

"Really? What gave you that idea?"

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Bella and Alice hurried down the shadowy streets of Volterra, trying to find Edward before he tried to kill himself. So far, the search wasn't going so well. The roads of this city twisted in hundreds of directions, leading them in circles, and sometimes to flat out dead ends. Bella started walking a little faster, though not yet breaking into a run.

"Bella!" Alice called, pointing down an alley "Let's try this way!"

Bella nodded, following Alice down the cramped alleyway, careful not to step in any of the murky puddles. Finally, at the edge of the alley, Bella saw a figure standing in the shadows. Under closer inspection, she saw it was Edward, standing by a small pile of clothes. He wasn't wearing a shirt or shoes, only pants. Under normal circumstances, Bella would have stopped to swoon over Edward not wearing a shirt, but this was an emergency.

"Edward!" she shouted, sprinting towards him.

Edward, obviously not hearing Bella, took a few steps into the open. The sun glittered off his pale skin, catching the attention of a few people who were passing by. A small girl being dragged around by her mother stopped, staring at the man who had just stepped into the light.

"Mommy, is that man a fairy?" she asked, looking up at her mother with wide eyes.

The woman glanced over at Edward "No sweetie, he probably just escaped from the arts and crafts center at the insane asylum. Just keep moving."

The two walked quickly away. Suddenly, a few figures in cloaks tackled Edward from behind, dragging him back into the alley.

"No! Edward!" Bella screamed, rushing towards him again. Her clumsiness decided to kick in at the exact wrong moment, as she tripped over a conveniently placed rock, falling forward and getting a face full of gunk from the alley road.

The Volturi ripped Edward apart right there in the alley, then burned his body, making sure passersby didn't see. To anyone in the street, it would look like a fire just randomly started. Bella picked herself up out of the muck, shocked to see Edward's burning corpse. She stood up, staring in shock. Alice came up behind her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, frowning.

"…Bella…" she whispered.

Bella shrugged Alice's hand off. Taking a few steps away from the fire, she glanced at Alice.

"I guess I'll go be emo again for another two hundred pages, then probably end up marrying Jacob. Oh well, at least Jacob is hot." Bella shrugged, then started back towards the car, leaving a very confused Alice in the alley.

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AN: Alright, end of chapter two. Yeah, I know that had more than one cheesy joke. But I liked it. Hope you guys did too! More suggestions are welcome!


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